Martin Figura’s Boring the Arse Off Young People

Martin Figura

 
 
 
Martin Figura was born in Liverpool in 1956 and works part-time at the Writers’ Centre, Norwich and as a photographer. He is a member of the poetry ensemble The Joy of 6. Boring the Arse Off Young People, a pamphlet of amusing poems, is published by Nasty Little Press. He is Chair of the Café Writers Live Literature organisation in Norwich. 
  
 
 
 
 
 
 
In Boring the Arse Off Young People Figura turns his wry humour on the middle-aged people who “should be occupying their time with: / jigsaws, / the litter problem, / gravy, / coach trips to the Norfolk Lavender Fields.” But who are instead “doing degrees / with no possible practical application” or having glorious, celebratory sex – “and when we’ve finished / doing what we want to, this flesh will keep moving still.”
 
Midnight walks where “the moon snags on the cathedral’s spire” rub shoulders with nightmares in which an ex-lover squeezes “the creams / for my skin diseases into the bag where my favourite cheese is” in a collection of poems guaranteed to warm the heart and tickle even the most grumpy of rib cages.
  
  
 
 
Talking

 
I just talk too much I talk too much
never shut up if you cut me in half
with a spade I’d continue to talk
for up to an hour from both ends
I’m more send than receive have never
had an unexpressed thought in my life
the path behind me is littered
with the hind legs of donkeys
those times when you should just shut up
that’s when I talk even more let it tumble out
no matter how incriminating
there would be no need to tie me to a chair
and slap a rubber hose into the palm of your hand
for I will sing like a canary at the politest enquiry
tell you more about myself then you ever wanted to know
give up my own children just for a chat
in fact I can guarantee that the most hardened torturer
will soon be sewing up my mouth
to stop me telling him what I know
but I shall only rip my mouth open
spit out my broken teeth and carry on talking
through my tattered bleeding lips
and what I don’t know I don’t let worry me
for I never let lack of knowledge get in the way
of giving an opinion why should I
I’ve a habit of repeating myself
I’ve a habit of repeating myself
that was pretty obvious right,
but you try talking non-stop
and not saying something pretty obvious along the way
and if you’re one of those quiet people that just looks
then you’re just asking for it without actually asking
if you see what I mean but you can’t just stand
and look at each other right
and if you’re not going to say something then I have to
simple as that simple as that so it’s your own fault
don’t glaze over when I’m talking to you
if you want this poem to stop sometime
in the next hour then for God’s sake
do something useful
go and fetch a spade.
  
  
  
Published in Boring the Arse Off Young People
(Nasty Little Press, 2010).
 
Order Boring the Arse Off Young People.
 
Read more of Martin’s work.

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